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Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Advertising your life

Today's subject (and I think there'll be more of this) is the shocking level of technobabble and appalling low quality of television adverts and how rediculous they really are.

Here's a few examples that I've observed recently on my tellybox:

Vileda mops. It's a ruddy mop for heavens sake! Why does it need to appear as if each one is maticulously developed in a lab by people in White coats? It is a mop!

Any hair product (the fact that they're referred to as products is the first warning) it's shampoo and/or conditioner. But of course they are all laced with bouncellum or biodeglorium or vitalium 6 or some other made up toss. Multivitamins, RE-Nutrition, Colour Protect, Multi-Gloss, Intense Light, Nourish and Shimmer. All this stuff guaranteed to help your hair as advertised by the Weak, Limp, Lifeless, Dull and Straw-Like Cheryl-I'm-in-it-for-the-money-Cole... and most terrifying of all, there is actually an app for that! Oh dear god, nooooo! New science balony, because you're worth it.

I've also noticed recently there's a number of women suffering from digestive problems. Thank god for Actimel with added biffidus-digestivum! I'm sure we'd have exploding women all over the place if it wasn't for that. One word - fart! ;-)

The list goes on and on.... Aerial in liquitabs <- Made up word. Injury lawyers for you are real lawyers who work for you! - really ?? real lawyers ? Are you sure ?? I'm not convinced. I mean if I was looking to claim for tripping over my own stupidity I'd want a fake lawyer wouldn't I? Not a real one.... come on. Banking: The staff at the Halifax all sing and dance apparently and just recently they've become radio presenters or disc jockeys as they used to be known before that became abreviated and stolen by the blokes that become famous for playing two songs over the top of eachother - dang those superstar dj's :-) Insurance: All of them. Awful. I suppose to be fair to them selling insurance (which as we know is a form of robbery) is a very tedious and boring thing to have to do for a living. But does that really excuse the use of Stephen Fry as a talking telephone with wheels, nutty Australian women singing in a car, a nodding dog, a flying opera singer and a millionaire meerkat??? Last time I looked you have to be 17 to drive a car. These people are selling insureance to adults you know ?? You'd never guess. Ok, Ok, I'm being a killjoy and it's quite possible that I've got my grumpy old man head on yet again! Of course some TV advertising is amazingly creative and beautifully executed. Five girls doing aerobics while eating Alpen - well, I don't have a problem with that of course ;-) Regrettably that's not the majority.

Allegedly TV advertising is a dying trade, and Internet advertising is taking over. Frankly I don't believe that. 9 times out of 10 I don't even notice online advertising - it's become an un-distracting blob on a web page that my brain has learned to ignore so that I can get on and read the bit I was actually looking for. I'm happy that websites are be funded by advertisers and not by me (although of course I'm funding them indirectly through the costs of the products that they're advertising that I'm not buying as a result of the advert but for some other reason). Of course financially that may be true, and marketing bods might think that people reading web pages means people reading adverts on webpages - how little they know ;-)

TV Advertisers, please come back and make the adverts we used to love. Hamlet - The Mild Cigar. Watch out, there's a humphrey about. Cinzano Bianco being thrown about on a plane - or was that Martini ? Anytime, anyplace, anywhere....

Ahh yes, but of course I keep forgetting that the world has changed and none of us are bright enough to make our minds up about what we may or may not be allowed to do. Can you imagine seeing an advert for Cigar's ?? or cigarettes? or Milk? or booze ? Well, there still are a few booze adverts about (although you'd be forgiven for thinking they're something to do with gardening, or riding horses in the sea) but not for much longer I'm sure. Thanks Nanny-State. Please make sure I don't breath inappropriately and become a burden to you and your supermassive Tax bill. I mean MY Supermassive Tax Bill of course... duh!

May isn't far away. Advertising rules won't make me decide who I vote for - I don't really care enough about the subject, interesting though it may be. I do care about being allowed to do things or not. This is a free world isn't it ?? Oh, my mistake. It's a greatly reduced world, no longer full fat, and available at a 50% discount and interest free over 4 years at the DFS/Furniture Village/Benson Beds sale this weekend only! Everything must go...crazy!
 

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