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Monday, May 03, 2010

They think it's all over....

Now the weekend is done the best feeling in the world (ok 2nd or 3rd or possibly 4th best feeling in the world) has occured this morning. That is to say, it's a Monday, but a Monday that you can stay in bed for. You gotta love not having to get up and get to it for 'the man' and instead do whatever the hell you like depending on how your mood takes you. No idea for certain what that's going to be yet, but I know I'm going to enjoy it.

And on the subject of enjoyment, I'm thoroughly enjoying Mark Kermode's book "It's only a movie" which so far is exactly like listening to or watching the man himself. Feels like a direct stream of his conciousnes that he's commited to paper with no commas, semi colons or full stops for breathing. Naturally I'm exagerating, but it does feel a bit like stepping onto an escalator that's actually running sideways not up and down. Takes time to adjust but wow, what a ride.

I should point out that I am everso slightly biased having been an avid listener of his (and Dr Mayo's) Friday afternoon radio 5 live movie review show (shorthand for which is wittertainment) for about as long as it's been running. And of course movies are a passion of mine so this just makes it unmissable but more so. Ever since my first proper movie "Journey to the Center of the Earth" in 197? at the Old Town cinema in Swindon I just can't take my eyes off the silver screen. So much so that I've even flirted with the idea of screenwriting and to be honest that idea and I still have unfinished business.

In fact, now I mention it, let me share with you my "pitch" for a TV/comedy/drama one off in two parts of an hour each to be aired over a Sunday and Monday night at 9pm on ITV or thereabouts. It's particularly timely because it's about the World Cup which as you'll know (unless you've been hiding under a rock somewhere) is due to kick off again this summer.


“They Think It’s All Over”

or

“The day we won the world cup...outright”


Voice-over: The FIFA World Cup Trophy, was first presented at the 1974 World Cup to Germany's captain Franz Beckenbauer. Designed by Silvio Gazzaniga and produced by Bertoni, Milano, it stands 36.5 centimetres (14.4 inches in old money) tall. Its base is 13 centimetres [or 5.1 in] in diameter containing two layers of malachite. The trophy, which weighs 6.175 kilogram’s in total, is made of 5 kilogram’s (yes, that’s 11 lbs) of 18 carat (75%) solid gold!! Oh, and it depicts two human figures holding up the Earth.

FIFA's regulations now state that the trophy, unlike its predecessor (which incidentally - is still gleaming), cannot be won outright. Instead, the winners of the tournament receive it on loan for four years and are given a replica to keep. Today, there are nine winners names engraved upon its base.

None of which say England…

Part 1

1. In the pub – 2006 WC – England go home

2. Lads walking home pissed formulate a kernel of an idea.

X: “Oh, bollocks!! – You know what we should do??, We should just go and take the damn thing off ‘em. It’s our game anyway!!”

3. Hungover in the morning

Y: “I’ve had a word with me uncle Z and he’s going help us win the world cup”
X: “Haha, I’ve seen you’re uncle Z and he couldn’t help us win crufts”
Y: Indignant: “No! Serious! He said he’s right up for it”
X: “What?? You mean?” beat “Us, actually going over there and nicking the world cup??”
Y: “Well that’s what you said – and by all rights it’s ours anyway”

4. X is Worrying about doing the job when he’s got a girlfriend who wants to be a wife (love interest) and that’s going to cost a mint anyway. Hmmm… so sod it! – We could nick the cup, melt it down in our barn, sell the gold on and be richer than a lottery winner. On top of which, we’ll have won the bastard World Cup!!

5. Let’s make a plan

Who is in ?? X, Y, Uncle Z, Dave and Duncan
Uncle Z meets, X & Y
X & Y introduce Uncle Z to Dave and Duncan
(Plan not revealed: go to france, nick the replica, on to Italy, swap them round, come home with the real one)

6. Off we go to the continent…
Oh no you don’t X – not without love interest!!
X: “Oh, bollocks!”
LI: “But you promised we’d go to Ibiza”
X: “OK – We’re going to Italy”

7. More planning

8. Y has to explain to his Mum where he’s going

9. On the ferry – seasick – Dave & Duncan never been abroad before

10. In Paris – Dave & Duncan want to go sight seeing, Uncle Z finally gets stroppy with the pair of them and puts them straight. L.I. (as if she was a WAG) goes shopping while the lads try and do the business.

11. The Job – which involves a perfect ZZ Headbutt on a security guard – goes well-ish

12. Our boys are off again through the Mont Blanc tunnel to Italy.

Part 2

1. In-Rome – Lot’s of bad driving

2. Casing the joint it appears the security is a bit more serious for the real cup than the dopey guard in Paris.

3. In the hotel, L.I. about to go shopping discovers the replica WC in a bag and rumbles what the boys are really up to. Confronts X who tells all, and how he didn’t really want to do it, but Y had called his Uncle X and she wanted a holiday etc, etc. However, L.I. wants England to have the WC so decides to join in.

4. L.I. has to schmooze the security in Rome while the boys nip in the back and do the business

5. Leg-it!! Quick!! Run like bloody feck!!

6. It’s coming home – The journey

7. How we going to get it through customs ?? Easy, Duncan & Dave have bought 5 replica (plastic World Cups while sight seeing, much to Uncle Z’s annoyance in Rome – so everyone, including L.I. has one each carrying openly.

8. We did it – we did it! Let’s go down the pub!!

9. In the pub with the world cup and the plastic one, so no-one really believes them. Fred (landlord) says you’ve just filled one of them plastic one’s with lead.

10. Fred says “Who’s for pickles??” while reaching for the pickled onions – at which point sky news comes on and shows the Replica WC was stolen in France!!

11. PC Plod says – you really did nick it?

12. Nah – we went to Italy – They think it’s all over

13. TV news update – Actual WC stolen in Italy!!! - It is now! Plod gets his man.


Now, before you say anything I'm completely aware that it's nuts and bolts simple and that any fool can see how tab a fits slot b so it's not overtly intelligent. But then again, it's Sunday night escapism about England and Football! Seriously, How intelligent could it actually be!!! One other point, if anything like it ever shows up on our tellyboxes without my name on it, I will regretablly, have to sue because clearly I thought of it. The best outcome would be for me to sell it to them tellymakers before it all starts kicking off and getting ugly.

And with that I'm away to the Kitchen to make coffee and go back to bed. Goooooooaaaaalllllllll!
 

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